A King Bed

a poem and journal entry

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Going to sleep in a king bed we bought to have more space for all three of us
but instead
you hold her hand as she falls asleep in the room I made for her
as I tuck myself in alone and await the day she’s beside me again
What I wish I could give to give her a life of two parents who love each other and sleep under the same roof

I know it’s going to be hard for her 
but love and  happiness is what she deserves
and we can’t give that to her, together
It’s up to us to answer every question she has in the years to come
To tell her our love story and that although it was beautiful once, some love stories close and are done

We will tell her that our love for her is the reason we walked away
It will be hard to say
but I pray 
one day
she will understand why it had to be this way

Because what I would give to have grown up in a home full of love
Maybe it won’t be until she is holding her own
staring down into the eyes of the child she will hold the responsibility of the world
With a little hand curled around just one finger
it might not be until then that she will understand the love I fought to give her
and the pain I wanted to protect her from

A king bed is lonely when
it’s meant to be filled with more than one
But I will feel lonely every day to protect her from sleeping in a home
where she lay at night wondering if tomorrow will be alright

It’s worth you remembering- our love story
Baby girl,
I’m so sorry
I wish it could have lasted forever
but your happiness is just not worth risking, whatsoever

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I wrote this poem in the first months as a single mom.

Never in any of my years visualizing myself as a mom did I see it coming for me to share custody and watch my child wave goodbye to me 50% of the time.