I'm scared
and I'm letting it win... journal together with me through this one
I’m scared.
The problem is, I’m not really sure what I’m scared of.
…. scared to step into it all fully?
… scared to admit my thoughts?
… scared with imposture syndrome?
… scared of what people will think?
… scared of how to really start?
I’m scared, and I’m letting it win.
My fear is causing confusion, distraction, and resistance to receive all that I actually desire.
It’s so unlike who I know myself to be that I’m just really confused.
And it’s tiring.
I’m admitting it, for you to read, in case you feel this way, ever have, or ever will.
What I want to do in this world is share.
I want to share my knowledge, lessons and what I’ve come to learn to transform the deepest pains I’ve come here to experience and see it with light.
I want to share the tools I’ve learned and how I use them to see the light in the darkness.
I want to share my space and capacity to hold room for you to feel your own emotions and expression.
I want to share.
… but I’m not sure how.
I want to open my doors offering Reiki sessions, but I stumble thinking about the logistics to put in place ensuring everyone’s protection.
I want to write but I’m consumed with overthinking and I often sit staring at a blinking curser with racing thoughts that cannot be formed into words for me to read, let alone anyone else.
I want to offer sessions. I have all these ideas on offering 1:1 sessions, group workshops, collective events all with the intention of helping people by sharing what I’ve learned to help me, in hopes it helps someone else too.
…. but when I go to take action, I fawn.
Deer in headlights.
Still.
Who am I to share about astrology when I’m learning about it myself?
Who am I to teach about energy when I’m still a student myself?
Who am I to guide someone through a session when I’m still being guided in a session myself every month by a professional psychologist.
What will I do when someone doesn’t believe in what I’m sharing?
What will happen when my two worlds collide; my outside working world and my inner spiritual way of being. What if they think differently of me?
📝
Let’s walk myself through this (for my 100th time) together. I would typically do this in my journal, exactly as I will show you.
I write the bolded questions as if I’m asking myself from a nurturing, loving perspective. I then write the answer. I try to tune into the highest version of myself. I’ve written what the fearful version of me is thinking (all of the above) - this is the ego (the role of protection from pain). So, I’m now trying to access the version of myself that is rooted in my purpose, my gifts, my strengths. My goal in answering these questions is to access my intuition, not my fear.
What do I know to be true?
If someone doesn’t believe in what I believe it doesn’t change the value of my words or thoughts. The beauty in humanity is just how differently we all are and that is one of my core beliefs. I will be okay when someone doesn’t believe what I believe.
I want to help people. With everything I am, my soul’s purpose is to help people find light in the darkness. I can’t fight it. It consumes me. It comes through in my friendships, relationships, motherhood, even in my core value as a realtor. I don’t set out to just help someone buy or sell a house. My mission is to educate a person to feel confident and have a better experience than a negative one they may have had in the past.
There are people who can help me with the logistics and I don’t have to rely on it all myself. I can seek out someone to help me understand what I should put in place in order to fully open my doors for Reiki sessions and clients (my 6th house in taurus really shinning here).
I am an excellent manifestor. I know how to call things in. I know how to co-create with the Universe. I know energy and how to work with it. I also know when I’m working against it. And I know when I’m fawning; when I’m standing in my own way. I know that when I claim what I desire and allow the Universe to supply, it will come quick.
So I need to claim what I desire.
I need to admit it. Own it. Believe it.
WHAT do I desire?
I want to help. I want to share. I want to heal. I want clients.
I want to have Reiki clients and sessions every day.
I want to have coaching sessions. I want to read people’s birth charts and use this in synergy to energy healing.
I want to help people understand their emotions and learn how to feel safe to feel them. Then show them how to see the light in the pain.
There is nothing I love more than watching someone fall in love with a part of themselves they were judging, disliking or resisting.
I want to be a healer. I want to wake up everyday and move with ease and love and flow. I want to live in this beautiful contradicting fast and slow lifestyle. Quick and chaotic home filled with children racing around while moving slowly to enjoy and soak in as many moments together as a family.
What is stopping me?
Real estate as my job. Healing as my soul’s calling.
I’m not sure how to show up in my job as a real estate agent knowing it’s not what I seek to be forever. I fear my colleagues, mentors, current and future clients will think I don’t like my job or think I don’t want to be there because outside of this job I am working to build my dream of healing and educating.
I have a deep wound of being misunderstood (I think I just had a big realization in this moment writing that statement).
My life and who I am has been misunderstood my entire life.
People told me all the time just how “cool” my dad was because he’d drink with us and hang out… but they had no idea I was a kid living in a home of abuse and alcohol was a monster.
As a student in school I was outspoken and reprimanded for it… but what I was speaking up about was always challenging right and wrong. Whether it was for myself or for others; I was constantly seeking answers and explanations to understand or defend different points of view with no ill intentions to be a distraction or hurtful. I was just an empathic kid battling in an emotionless world.
I was told I wear my “heart on my sleeve” by the man who was supposed to show me what it was to love and be loved, correctly. But this was used as an insult and defence mechanism to resisting his control and manipulation. I would challenge his hate and manipulative tactics and he’d retort with “You’re so sensitive. You wear your heart on your sleeve” as if this was a bad thing. He was implying I was weak and too sensitive because I would feel the pain he’d cause on other people (my mom and sister primarily). But what I’ve come to learn is my empathy is my greatest gift and ability allowing me to feel energy and heal, not just myself but others as well.
💭… I wonder what kind of crazy things he’d say to me if only he knew I was now a reiki practitioner, published author of a poetry book about healing heartbreak and the writer of this substack.
And one of the biggest misunderstandings is being “a ray of sunshine” when internally it feels like I’m walking through life as if it were a dark, endless forest in the middle of a thunder storm. My mind is nothing but depth, darkness, challenges and a lot of pain. I’ve forever felt misunderstood because who I am to the world is light and optimistic but where that stems from is the scorpio themed energy within me, constantly facing transformation; feeling intensely in order to turn pain into power.
What does all of this really mean?
I can love more than one thing. Just as I believe I can love my body exactly as it is right now, while also having the desire for it to change; I can choose to believe I’m allowed to LOVE my season of life working as a real estate agent, while also working towards cultivating and building my ultimate career as a healer in this world.
I can do and be more than one thing.
We live in seasons. Each chapter leads to the next. I know real estate will likely forever be a piece in my life because my ultimate goal is to run an investment portfolio that funds our future. Investing in real estate is the entire reason I ever stepped foot in the industry to begin with. Because I believe in the power of building wealth through real estate ownership.
The virgo moon and scorpio rising in me struggles with making sense of the concept of “using” someone or something. I’m loyal to my core and it’s one of the most important life values I have. So believing I am “using” my job as a real agent for this season of my life to get me to my next chapter has, up to this point, felt wrong.
What I see now as the truth is that I’m not using my job. I’m not doing something I don’t believe in. What I realize is real estate is my catalyst. It’s the opportunity that enables me to step into my soul’s ultimate purpose in work. Without my job as a real estate agent I wouldn’t have the flexibility to write and Reiki in my weekly schedule. I wouldn’t be able to pick up my daughter after school and spend my days with her. I wouldn’t be able to earn the abundance of income I have the potential of in this job that allows me to live in my home, drive my car and pay my way. I wouldn’t be able to save as quick as I’m able to in order to get back into the real estate market, purchasing my first investment property.
What I realize is my job as a real estate agent is not wrong, disloyal or misaligned. It’s actually exactly on par. I can enjoy both at the same time. I would never judge someone for working a job while building their ultimate dream, knowing one day they will walk away from the job to serve in the career fulfilling their purpose.
What I understand is we have to crawl before we walk. Walk before we run. Fall down to get back up to learn what to do instead. We have to rebalance when off kilter. We have to learn in order to master.
One thing at a time. One step at a time. One day at a time.
So, I admit, to you and to myself, my desire is to heal. To serve clients with Reiki healing sessions; write and publish; coach individuals to help understand who they are; read birth charts as a tool to help validate and heal from what someone’s been through to find the light in the darkness.
And I can do this while working as a real estate agent. Using this job to move me closer to my ultimate dream and goal of building an investment portfolio that funds my family’s future and build a career as an energy healer.
I hope walking through my thoughts here helped you in some way.
Maybe it was understanding how to journal through a fear.
Maybe it was validating a fear or your own.
Whatever it was, I hope you feel seen, heard and loved.
And don’t forget… I have done this more than once. I’ve walked myself down this thought path before. In bits and pieces, I’ve said all of this to people in hopes of claiming it enough to fully manifest and step out of the way.
The reason it hasn’t stuck yet is because there is a wound somewhere unknown to me that I haven’t healed yet. I know this because I feel vulnerable to admit what I desire and ultimately own it everyday I walk into my office.
Every time I walk myself through these thoughts, though, I discover more and more. Today, I realized I’m not afraid to be judged, I’m afraid of being misunderstood. I’m not fearful of people’s thoughts about me in the way of wanting their approval. I’m fearful the people around me will build a belief of me that isn’t the actual truth. But the reality is, that would be my own fault. How can people know what my intentions are or my goal is if I’m silent and secretive about it? How can I judge them for being a human and making preconceived judgements about my actions and behaviours and feel misunderstood when I don’t walk around claiming and owning my goals and beliefs?
I’m not afraid to be judged. I’m afraid of being misunderstood…. again.
But this get’s to be a beautiful opportunity for me to heal this wound.
I can step into my authenticity and own my soul’s purpose. I can proudly work my job as a real estate agent while simultaneously building a career in energy healing, knowing I won’t work as an agent forever, but for now.
When I face the potential to be misunderstood I will heal this wound. When I face the opportunity to clarify or speak my goals, dreams and desires aloud, I can stand confidently in the face of misunderstanding. Seeing that it’s a human experience to misunderstand. Forgiving every person in my past who deepened this wound within me.
What I know to be true is I love real estate, I’m an empath, I believe in manifesting and energy, I love love and there is nothing I want more for my life than a home filled with love and joy.
So here’s to us all chasing our deepest desires, unapologetically.
Thank you for being here ♡